literature

My Sweet

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Mercy-Waters's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

i saw you in my dreams, you see.
you looked me in the eyes. you said:

my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake. the sky will cry salty tears of grief and never stop.
my dear,
the earth will buck beneath you. buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
my dear,
don't you know the world will end?

i saw you in my dreams, you see.
i looked you in the eyes. i said:

my sweet,
it matters not.

for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes.
Comments96
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WorldWar-Tori's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt=":wave:" title="Hi!"/> Hello, this critique is being brought to you from #Live-Love-Write

First of all, I like the way you write this in sort of a letter form in the middle. It adds a nice pace to the piece.

There are a few suggestions I have for you. First this is for the beginning and end you looked me in the eyes. you said: I had to re-read that line twice to make sure I read write, I think perhaps, if you put, you looked me in the eyes and said: it doesn't really change it at all, but it adds an easier flow to it it seems.

Also, I think if you split up the narrative from the talking, maybe just by italics, it would make a better feel of the piece and the change of tones.

The lines in the speaking also seem longer, maybe if you split them up. The 'my dear' doesn't really seem necessary more than the beginning. Something like,
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake,
the sky will cry with salty tears
of grieve and never stop.
the earth will buck beneath you,
buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
don't you know the world will end?

The words stay the same, but it gives a sort of rhythm and meter to the piece a little better than long short long. It seems to lose flow in that.


I liked the detail you added to the earth ending. It gave a visual of two things. What she means and what could happen someday. Also, I really like the ending. The for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes. left a very powerful ending. It wrapped it up nicely and good impact. Nice work. (=

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/>
TORi

((( please do not pay attention to the stars, the critique is in what I wrote. )))