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Literature Text
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
you looked me in the eyes. you said:
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake. the sky will cry salty tears of grief and never stop.
my dear,
the earth will buck beneath you. buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
my dear,
don't you know the world will end?
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
i looked you in the eyes. i said:
my sweet,
it matters not.
for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes.
you looked me in the eyes. you said:
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake. the sky will cry salty tears of grief and never stop.
my dear,
the earth will buck beneath you. buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
my dear,
don't you know the world will end?
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
i looked you in the eyes. i said:
my sweet,
it matters not.
for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes.
Literature
Scented Letters
I love how your letters smells so good,
That despite all my conscience,
I want to hold them to my nose all the time,
And fall asleep with you on my mind.
I love how you use few words when you mention something intimate,
Then telling me you are leaving the rest to my imagination,
Something you know I use well,
Whenever I miss you in ways words can't come to describe.
So as I slowly touched the pages,
I am reminded again that soon,
When our hands are together,
There will be no need for lovely letters in between
Literature
The Grey Man
A soulless stare to distant shores
In wind or rain or scathing storms.
No window pane to halt what pours
Down on his head or on his heart.
A gift that gods bestow on him;
A lack of soul to tear apart.
Regrets of love and raging hate
Within him absent, vacant like
His stare. His stoney glare a state
Of blissful solitude to save.
When under reign of fickle minds
He does not flee to distant days nor
Departed weeks. For he, you see,
Does not waver when times are dire;
He stands steadfast against the fire.
Literature
The Only One
Some people said my words are fake because they sound so beautiful,
That it is always a good prudence to feel that things feel too good to be true.
People are not supposed to care, to see beauty in the plainest of things.
It's just like beliefs are not supposed to be true and there's no such thing as true love too.
Still I continued to write out all the beautiful things I know,
Trust in love that feels too good to be true,
Care for people I should never have cared for,
And never once looked to you.
But now you are the only one I speak to,
The only one who's heard all my ugly stories of love,
The only one who have always seen through
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© 2009 - 2024 Mercy-Waters
Comments96
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<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt="" title="Hi!"/> Hello, this critique is being brought to you from #Live-Love-Write
First of all, I like the way you write this in sort of a letter form in the middle. It adds a nice pace to the piece.
There are a few suggestions I have for you. First this is for the beginning and end you looked me in the eyes. you said: I had to re-read that line twice to make sure I read write, I think perhaps, if you put, you looked me in the eyes and said: it doesn't really change it at all, but it adds an easier flow to it it seems.
Also, I think if you split up the narrative from the talking, maybe just by italics, it would make a better feel of the piece and the change of tones.
The lines in the speaking also seem longer, maybe if you split them up. The 'my dear' doesn't really seem necessary more than the beginning. Something like,
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake,
the sky will cry with salty tears
of grieve and never stop.
the earth will buck beneath you,
buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
don't you know the world will end?
The words stay the same, but it gives a sort of rhythm and meter to the piece a little better than long short long. It seems to lose flow in that.
I liked the detail you added to the earth ending. It gave a visual of two things. What she means and what could happen someday. Also, I really like the ending. The for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes. left a very powerful ending. It wrapped it up nicely and good impact. Nice work. (=
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>
TORi
((( please do not pay attention to the stars, the critique is in what I wrote. )))