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Literature Text
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
you looked me in the eyes. you said:
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake. the sky will cry salty tears of grief and never stop.
my dear,
the earth will buck beneath you. buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
my dear,
don't you know the world will end?
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
i looked you in the eyes. i said:
my sweet,
it matters not.
for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes.
you looked me in the eyes. you said:
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake. the sky will cry salty tears of grief and never stop.
my dear,
the earth will buck beneath you. buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
my dear,
don't you know the world will end?
i saw you in my dreams, you see.
i looked you in the eyes. i said:
my sweet,
it matters not.
for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes.
Literature
Scented Letters
I love how your letters smells so good,
That despite all my conscience,
I want to hold them to my nose all the time,
And fall asleep with you on my mind.
I love how you use few words when you mention something intimate,
Then telling me you are leaving the rest to my imagination,
Something you know I use well,
Whenever I miss you in ways words can't come to describe.
So as I slowly touched the pages,
I am reminded again that soon,
When our hands are together,
There will be no need for lovely letters in between
Literature
Kiss Me In The Rain
You're in every raindrop, that falls upon my upturned face.
Your heartbeat in the thunder that shakes my slender frame.
And it's your scent in the fresh feeling when the storm subsides;
the smell of life,
renewal,
and revival.
It's you that drips from my soaked hair.
You that runs raindrop races down my arms, thrown to the sky.
You that falls from the rolling clouds, cradled in gray.
You drenching my body, as I cut loose and forget everything under the rain
Literature
Pure
why won't you let me take you ?
I know it's wrong,
but I've come so far
and bled my soul before you
the air is sweet with your beauty;
I can feel you consent with a kiss
no other is here
it's only us,
no sin between;
nothing but a pure love
please
I beg of you
... please
I am open before you
with all my truth and honesty and heart
one may fight such mighty urges,
but by all the gods in heaven
you are all I need
and I can't let you go,
for if I do
I must live with the dreadful shame
that part of me is lost forever
and neither one of us would be complete
Suggested Collections
© 2009 - 2024 Mercy-Waters
Comments96
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<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt="" title="Hi!"/> Hello, this critique is being brought to you from #Live-Love-Write
First of all, I like the way you write this in sort of a letter form in the middle. It adds a nice pace to the piece.
There are a few suggestions I have for you. First this is for the beginning and end you looked me in the eyes. you said: I had to re-read that line twice to make sure I read write, I think perhaps, if you put, you looked me in the eyes and said: it doesn't really change it at all, but it adds an easier flow to it it seems.
Also, I think if you split up the narrative from the talking, maybe just by italics, it would make a better feel of the piece and the change of tones.
The lines in the speaking also seem longer, maybe if you split them up. The 'my dear' doesn't really seem necessary more than the beginning. Something like,
my dear,
lightning will strike, mountains will shake,
the sky will cry with salty tears
of grieve and never stop.
the earth will buck beneath you,
buildings will collapse and fires will burn.
don't you know the world will end?
The words stay the same, but it gives a sort of rhythm and meter to the piece a little better than long short long. It seems to lose flow in that.
I liked the detail you added to the earth ending. It gave a visual of two things. What she means and what could happen someday. Also, I really like the ending. The for my world ceased the instant the light left your eyes. left a very powerful ending. It wrapped it up nicely and good impact. Nice work. (=
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>
TORi
((( please do not pay attention to the stars, the critique is in what I wrote. )))